Once a month is a typical recommendation for the average Catholic seeking to grow in their faith and looking to form a routine; but it is by no means a rule. Confess as often as reasonably necessary. When/if confession is not immediately available, make an "act of perfect contrition" (perfect contrition = sorrow for sin motivated by love of God) and ask for God's grace.
Two tidbits to keep in mind: "To compare is to despair." Don't measure yourself against other people. We should support each other on our journeys with the Lord, but should not get distracted by other people's situations. "Perfection is the enemy of the Good." Don't get discouraged by weaknesses and imperfections; those are the places God does the most work. None of us is going to be perfect until we see the pearly gates, so our mission is progress, not perfection.
Ray, I go to confession once a week and I don’t think I’m over scrupulous (anymore!). I just feel that with every confession my soul is becoming cleansed and my attachment to sin less. Like you, I went through a period of terrible spiritual attacks particularly upon leaving the confessional but as we know the traditional Catholic confession is more powerful than an exorcism and having lived a life of grievous sin prior to my conversion, there were many, many demons that needed exorcised. Anyway, personally I think monthly is too long, weekly is perfect particularly when attending daily mass. God bless. Your honesty and humility is beautiful Ray.
Hey Ray, this conflict between being faithful and scrupulous is very common. I think every catholic experienced it at some point or another.
I want to warn you and encourage you. First, beware with the "did I really had autonomy there?" question. Vices are still your responsibility and you're exercising your free will when you do it. Don't try to dialogue and find deeper layers for you to receive communion when in mortal sin, you should get this out of your head. At best it makes you scrupulous, at worst it makes you perform sacrilege with the Eucharist.
About the encouragement, I noticed you were pretty skeptical about people being in a state of grace every month. And I tell you, that's entirely possible. Just to give an example, I used to masturbate multiple times a day every day not that long ago and I also engaged in fornication. I had a really tough time stopping it. In 2025 I relapsed once, but apart from that the last time I needed confession was october/24.
I repeat, it's entirely possible and you can do it. Will be praying for you!
When I was struggling to break free of masturbation addiction I found weekly confession really helpful. And honestly, not everyone is inclined to scrupulosity. If you have a good confessor who knows you, they can help you thread that needle of scrupulosity/getting the Confession medicine you need. You’re right that addiction lessens your culpability, but there is real grace in confessing, even if you have to do it over and over again!
Prayers for your journey - I hope it brings you peace to know that you really are fighting the good fight. I know it consoles Jesus’ most Sacred Heart.
Thank you for sharing this with us, which takes a lot of vulnerability!
I think confessing our sins before others is a very good and important thing in order to come into the light and be healed and have more power over the sin. However, I disagree with the Roman Catholic teaching on mortal and venial sins, or the necessity of going to confess before a priest (even though I can see why it would be helpful). That said, I'm not here to debate you about that.
What I would like to encourage you is that there is no condemnation for those of us in Christ Jesus. We are loved and forgiven and our sins are not held against us!
Please take some time to read 1 John chapters 1 and 2. So encouraging.
Don't let a relapse get you down either. Let it remind you of how great it felt to be free. It shouldn't be a reason to give up hope for change. You already felt so good living without those sins, and this relapse is only a reminder of that. So let it urge you to get back to living in freedom again. It should not discourage you, but only reaffirm how good your decision was to give all of this up.
Maybe these posts can help encourage you after such a relapse:
I can relate to your struggles with vices and the spiritual battle you’re facing
I’ve been there too. I grew up Baptist and Protestant, and after drifting from church, I’m now working on tending to that spiritual void and reconnecting with my faith.
Your openness about your journey is inspiring and reminds me to keep pushing forward too. Keep fighting the good fight,
Congratulations! But don’t let your past struggles pridefully interfere with a greater role in life. God is the one who will help you be a good father in marriage!
I'm Catholic but I don't partake of confession very often. I feel it is something between me and God rather than an event I attend for absolution. It's something I feel should be carried with you all the time. It became somewhat absurd to me after I supported my son with Down Syndrome have his first confession. He is the most purest, honest, empathetic soul you could ever meet and there he was trying to think up a sin for the priest. I could see it was his first experience of looking critically at himself ( not entirely a bad thing) but it was also that first layer of guilt in his life. I also knew the sin he told the priest was a fantasy because he couldn't come up with any.😜He comes to Mass and has Communion with me but I haven't taken him back to confession as it doesn't resonate for him. If he ever does something wrong he hugs and kisses everybody for a week to apologise and that's enough of an act of contrition for anyone.
I think the Alex ( son) story applies a little to you. I fear you are building up layers of Catholic guilt which you don't need as you have so much yourself. You have been so honest and almost brutal with your own self appraisal that I think is a more than worthy act of contrition. No Catholic is completely virtuous because all of them are human. I would just be lead by your heart with confession and go when you feel it would add value to your spiritual growth or give your soul some peace. Just continue with your "brutal" self honesty between yourself and God throughout your daily life. Surround yourself with good people and talk honestly to them and often when you are struggling with all " the things". Please don't install more Catholic guilt in top of everything else as you are doing your very best and that's all God expects from you. If you feel overwhelmed take a leaf out of Alex's book and hug someone.😀
Dear Ray, I wanted to write to encourage you - but I find that what Aine and Barnabas have said already seems to convey more and better! I'm reminded of St Paul talking about the thorn in his flesh that he begged God to take away from him over and over - and the response from God was 'my grace is sufficient for you for my power is made perfect in weakness' (2 Corinthians 12:9). I have my own particular temptations and besetting sins - one thing in particular I literally have to flee from, take myself out of the room where I might succumb (and sometimes have.) But every time I DON'T succumb, it strengthens me.
I wonder if you have read C S Lewis' 'Screwtape Letters'? So helpful looking at the fallacies we tell ourselves e.g. that the temptation is never growing to go less; that the desire is just going to get stronger until / unless we give in; that just because it is still strong after weeks / months etc, it will be the same for months / years. Some people are wonderfully delivered or healed, but far more commonly the process of sanctification is very gradual!
I'd also like to remind you that although Jesus says 'be perfect as I am perfect', that's not actually possible for us in this life, which is why he died and why we still depend on the cross. You can and will have this sin/addiction largely subdued - eventually - and you will be able to see its power lessened, but don't be discouraged if it raises its ugly head even then at times of pressure. If you get to the point of recovery, where you feel able to marry in good conscience, remember that your wife will not be perfect either! We are all sinners.
Ray. Don’t worry. Go to confession once a week. That is not too often for deeply ingrained habitual sins. I go once a week. It is a real blessing. I have seen the following. Teenaged boy at daily mass. Goes up for a blessing instead of communion. After mass, he and the priest slip off to the confessional. They come out. The priest gives him communion. What do you suppose that was all about? Some habitual sin, perhaps an addiction. I’ve seen thar scenario multiple times with different people. That is what the sacrament is for. Don’t be scrupulous about being scrupulous! Also think about this. Traditionally, confessions are held every Saturday afternoon. Think about it. Most sinners can hold off most sins from Saturday afternoon till Sunday morning!
We become what we practice. Some of us spent years practicing satisfying our every hedonistic itch and deeply meditating on elaborate list filled fantasies. It’s stupid to think that a couple hours of meditation on Christ’s passion and a few months of abstinence will completely erase all of our past practices from our minds and bodies. It takes a lot of repetition to build new neuro pathways. And some scars may be with us for life. If you like me have been especially degenerate in your past you may need to be over scrupulous with yourself now. When you need to straighten a bent stick you must bend it a bit the other way to get it back to straight. Jesus works real miracles but God’s time is not our own. If you haven’t discovered the hours yet, I highly recommend. Begin each day with Lauds and end each night with compline. We become what we practice. Dominus nos benedicat et ab Omni malo defendat et ad vitam perducat aeternum!
I tend to think weekly confession is about right, to tamp the vices down - that is, to help keep the conscience primed but not, as you say, scrupulous. It doesn’t matter if a sin is mortal or not, really. They all wound Christ.
If you have the opportunity to sit with Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament, I strongly advise that you do so. If your parish does not have an adoration chapel, call other churches in the area. Some offer adoration only certain days for a few hours, but it is definitely worth looking into if you haven’t done so yet. Even once a week will make a significant difference. God bless you.
Once a month is a typical recommendation for the average Catholic seeking to grow in their faith and looking to form a routine; but it is by no means a rule. Confess as often as reasonably necessary. When/if confession is not immediately available, make an "act of perfect contrition" (perfect contrition = sorrow for sin motivated by love of God) and ask for God's grace.
Two tidbits to keep in mind: "To compare is to despair." Don't measure yourself against other people. We should support each other on our journeys with the Lord, but should not get distracted by other people's situations. "Perfection is the enemy of the Good." Don't get discouraged by weaknesses and imperfections; those are the places God does the most work. None of us is going to be perfect until we see the pearly gates, so our mission is progress, not perfection.
Ray, I go to confession once a week and I don’t think I’m over scrupulous (anymore!). I just feel that with every confession my soul is becoming cleansed and my attachment to sin less. Like you, I went through a period of terrible spiritual attacks particularly upon leaving the confessional but as we know the traditional Catholic confession is more powerful than an exorcism and having lived a life of grievous sin prior to my conversion, there were many, many demons that needed exorcised. Anyway, personally I think monthly is too long, weekly is perfect particularly when attending daily mass. God bless. Your honesty and humility is beautiful Ray.
I don’t go once a week - but I can see how it would be of benefit. Thanks for putting it in my heart.
Hey Ray, this conflict between being faithful and scrupulous is very common. I think every catholic experienced it at some point or another.
I want to warn you and encourage you. First, beware with the "did I really had autonomy there?" question. Vices are still your responsibility and you're exercising your free will when you do it. Don't try to dialogue and find deeper layers for you to receive communion when in mortal sin, you should get this out of your head. At best it makes you scrupulous, at worst it makes you perform sacrilege with the Eucharist.
About the encouragement, I noticed you were pretty skeptical about people being in a state of grace every month. And I tell you, that's entirely possible. Just to give an example, I used to masturbate multiple times a day every day not that long ago and I also engaged in fornication. I had a really tough time stopping it. In 2025 I relapsed once, but apart from that the last time I needed confession was october/24.
I repeat, it's entirely possible and you can do it. Will be praying for you!
Once a week for confession is normal and acceptable.
When I was struggling to break free of masturbation addiction I found weekly confession really helpful. And honestly, not everyone is inclined to scrupulosity. If you have a good confessor who knows you, they can help you thread that needle of scrupulosity/getting the Confession medicine you need. You’re right that addiction lessens your culpability, but there is real grace in confessing, even if you have to do it over and over again!
Prayers for your journey - I hope it brings you peace to know that you really are fighting the good fight. I know it consoles Jesus’ most Sacred Heart.
Thank you for sharing this with us, which takes a lot of vulnerability!
I think confessing our sins before others is a very good and important thing in order to come into the light and be healed and have more power over the sin. However, I disagree with the Roman Catholic teaching on mortal and venial sins, or the necessity of going to confess before a priest (even though I can see why it would be helpful). That said, I'm not here to debate you about that.
What I would like to encourage you is that there is no condemnation for those of us in Christ Jesus. We are loved and forgiven and our sins are not held against us!
https://healingfromcrossdressing.org/no-condemnation/
Please take some time to read 1 John chapters 1 and 2. So encouraging.
Don't let a relapse get you down either. Let it remind you of how great it felt to be free. It shouldn't be a reason to give up hope for change. You already felt so good living without those sins, and this relapse is only a reminder of that. So let it urge you to get back to living in freedom again. It should not discourage you, but only reaffirm how good your decision was to give all of this up.
Maybe these posts can help encourage you after such a relapse:
https://healingfromcrossdressing.org/resentment-compromise-and-escalation-failure-yet-we-rejoice-in-christ/
https://healingfromcrossdressing.org/10-minute-relapse/
Hey Ray,
I can relate to your struggles with vices and the spiritual battle you’re facing
I’ve been there too. I grew up Baptist and Protestant, and after drifting from church, I’m now working on tending to that spiritual void and reconnecting with my faith.
Your openness about your journey is inspiring and reminds me to keep pushing forward too. Keep fighting the good fight,
you’re not alone in this.
I’ll keep you in my prayers!
Thank you and God bless 🙏
Congratulations! But don’t let your past struggles pridefully interfere with a greater role in life. God is the one who will help you be a good father in marriage!
Thank you 🙏
I'm Catholic but I don't partake of confession very often. I feel it is something between me and God rather than an event I attend for absolution. It's something I feel should be carried with you all the time. It became somewhat absurd to me after I supported my son with Down Syndrome have his first confession. He is the most purest, honest, empathetic soul you could ever meet and there he was trying to think up a sin for the priest. I could see it was his first experience of looking critically at himself ( not entirely a bad thing) but it was also that first layer of guilt in his life. I also knew the sin he told the priest was a fantasy because he couldn't come up with any.😜He comes to Mass and has Communion with me but I haven't taken him back to confession as it doesn't resonate for him. If he ever does something wrong he hugs and kisses everybody for a week to apologise and that's enough of an act of contrition for anyone.
I think the Alex ( son) story applies a little to you. I fear you are building up layers of Catholic guilt which you don't need as you have so much yourself. You have been so honest and almost brutal with your own self appraisal that I think is a more than worthy act of contrition. No Catholic is completely virtuous because all of them are human. I would just be lead by your heart with confession and go when you feel it would add value to your spiritual growth or give your soul some peace. Just continue with your "brutal" self honesty between yourself and God throughout your daily life. Surround yourself with good people and talk honestly to them and often when you are struggling with all " the things". Please don't install more Catholic guilt in top of everything else as you are doing your very best and that's all God expects from you. If you feel overwhelmed take a leaf out of Alex's book and hug someone.😀
Dear Ray, I wanted to write to encourage you - but I find that what Aine and Barnabas have said already seems to convey more and better! I'm reminded of St Paul talking about the thorn in his flesh that he begged God to take away from him over and over - and the response from God was 'my grace is sufficient for you for my power is made perfect in weakness' (2 Corinthians 12:9). I have my own particular temptations and besetting sins - one thing in particular I literally have to flee from, take myself out of the room where I might succumb (and sometimes have.) But every time I DON'T succumb, it strengthens me.
I wonder if you have read C S Lewis' 'Screwtape Letters'? So helpful looking at the fallacies we tell ourselves e.g. that the temptation is never growing to go less; that the desire is just going to get stronger until / unless we give in; that just because it is still strong after weeks / months etc, it will be the same for months / years. Some people are wonderfully delivered or healed, but far more commonly the process of sanctification is very gradual!
I'd also like to remind you that although Jesus says 'be perfect as I am perfect', that's not actually possible for us in this life, which is why he died and why we still depend on the cross. You can and will have this sin/addiction largely subdued - eventually - and you will be able to see its power lessened, but don't be discouraged if it raises its ugly head even then at times of pressure. If you get to the point of recovery, where you feel able to marry in good conscience, remember that your wife will not be perfect either! We are all sinners.
Ray. Don’t worry. Go to confession once a week. That is not too often for deeply ingrained habitual sins. I go once a week. It is a real blessing. I have seen the following. Teenaged boy at daily mass. Goes up for a blessing instead of communion. After mass, he and the priest slip off to the confessional. They come out. The priest gives him communion. What do you suppose that was all about? Some habitual sin, perhaps an addiction. I’ve seen thar scenario multiple times with different people. That is what the sacrament is for. Don’t be scrupulous about being scrupulous! Also think about this. Traditionally, confessions are held every Saturday afternoon. Think about it. Most sinners can hold off most sins from Saturday afternoon till Sunday morning!
We become what we practice. Some of us spent years practicing satisfying our every hedonistic itch and deeply meditating on elaborate list filled fantasies. It’s stupid to think that a couple hours of meditation on Christ’s passion and a few months of abstinence will completely erase all of our past practices from our minds and bodies. It takes a lot of repetition to build new neuro pathways. And some scars may be with us for life. If you like me have been especially degenerate in your past you may need to be over scrupulous with yourself now. When you need to straighten a bent stick you must bend it a bit the other way to get it back to straight. Jesus works real miracles but God’s time is not our own. If you haven’t discovered the hours yet, I highly recommend. Begin each day with Lauds and end each night with compline. We become what we practice. Dominus nos benedicat et ab Omni malo defendat et ad vitam perducat aeternum!
Friend, I commend you to study Paul’s letter to the Galatians, esp, chapter 3: 10-14
This was a very honest and impressive post. Confession and prayer are vital and do work.
However, after many years of my own struggles, a priest recommended I make the Consecration to Our Lady, as set out by St Louis de Montfort.
This is truly life-changing. I have learned that grace acts slowly and gradually: but it really acts.
I have also made a consecration to St Joseph, which is set out by Fr Donald Calloway. Also highly recommended.
I have come to realise that pride lies behind a huge amount of our sin, even our habitual sins.
God wants to help us and always will: we must ask!
God bless!
I tend to think weekly confession is about right, to tamp the vices down - that is, to help keep the conscience primed but not, as you say, scrupulous. It doesn’t matter if a sin is mortal or not, really. They all wound Christ.
If you have the opportunity to sit with Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament, I strongly advise that you do so. If your parish does not have an adoration chapel, call other churches in the area. Some offer adoration only certain days for a few hours, but it is definitely worth looking into if you haven’t done so yet. Even once a week will make a significant difference. God bless you.