Ray, I am so glad to see you “all in”. It fits with 2 Timothy 1 7 - God did not give us a Spirit of timidity, but of love and power and self discipline. The speaking out means taking the risk of being seen with egg on your face - in faith that God can see you through. Those of us who believe know that it’s not just an intellectual understanding but a transformative power that the Holy Spirit brings.
At the same time, there are plenty of cautions in scripture that temptations will come again. 1 Corinthians 10 12 -
So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don’t fall! - is just one that comes to mind. We stand in need of continuing repentance and grace.
It’s interesting to see Yorick’s comparison with a marriage. It made me think that any marriage may have a honeymoon period and then a period where novelty wears off and reality pinches - and the Christian life does call us to sacrifice in a humble way without attention or glamour. But anything that is worthwhile needs persistence through temptation and difficulty. Have you read any C S Lewis? The Screwtape Letters is very good on what to do when fervour undulates!
Thank you for sharing your story. I understand people's comments against you. It so happens that today, I was just on Reddit getting criticized (and misunderstood and misrepresented). Someone said at least I'm not alone anymore, now Ray has joined me as a Jesus person. Happy to have you brother.
I have known of you before and watched some of your videos, but was a bit turned off by some of the crossdressing integration (some of the old photos can be triggering to guys too). Still that would not have stopped me from exploring further. Just am very limited in time! Glad to get time now to catch up with some of your content.
As I explained to the guy on Reddit, I can very much understand why some people would have a hard time believing there is actually any way out of AGP. It's easier for them to assume that no one can quit crossdressing and be happy. They have been telling me that since I started my website in 2011. It's scary I think for them to consider other possibilities, that it might actually be true that some people are happier without crossdressing. That makes them more comfortable in continuing the path they are on and making excuses for themselves. I've now been joined by hundreds of other guys, Christians and non-Christians, in our recovery groups. While some guys truly struggle almost daily, lots of other guys are living free and are very happy for it, and are NOT feeling like they are missing out on anything, and their lives are full and joyful and satisfying. They don't feel like they are missing out on anything, and their lives, and my life, are not boring.
What you said about relapses is true. But I try to teach guys that a relapse doesn't mean a failure in quitting. Relapses can come. They have for me too, I've written about them at times. But each relapse should remind the person how free they felt not giving in, and how wonderful life was when not giving in, and let the relapse encourage them to get back up and get back to living in freedom again. A relapse is not a sign that the decision to quit was a bad one. It was simply a lapse in judgment, and a giving in to the flesh, temporarily.
As people judge us and criticize us for our choice to reject indulging of AGP, it's easy to become harsh against them. I was quite harsh when I started my website. I am now much more compassionate, and trying to soften my tone. These guys are lost in their bondage. They need help. Let's keep pointing them to Christ and to freedom.
I think that it's reasonable for people, especially those who have been reading you for a while now, to be skeptical. You were all-in on being a trans-woman; you were then all-in on being a self-conscious AGP who kept it in the bedroom; now you're all-in on being a Catholic. (There may have been earlier worldviews you committed to, but those are the three I've read you writing from within.) One interpretation of this is that you were searching for something and found it; but another interpretation is that you tend to really commit to worldviews, and that this is the latest, but perhaps not the last. No one can know—even you, as you to your credit acknowledge ("Humanity inherits a corrupted nature… I could relapse"). You frame the possibility, naturally, in the context of your current beliefs, but if you were to adopt yet a different set of beliefs, you would presumably reframe it to think of it in terms of the *new* view. I'm not saying it will happen; I am saying people are reasonable to se the possibility. *Will* it happen? Only time will tell.
Think of it like marriage. The first time a person gets up and says "from this day forward, until death do us part" (or the equivalent), then most people will take it at face value. But if they've divorced twice already, then on the third go-around a bit of skepticism is to be expected, and while it may be unkind, it's hard to say it's unwarranted. This doesn't mean that the person doesn't *mean* it each time; in most cases I bet they do. But it's hard to say it's unlikely when it's already happened more than once.
I suspect the other factor here is *precisely* how hard you're leaning into it—the amount of posting (all while never posting on any other topic), the overwhelming fervor. Presumably you experience that as simply the power of your newfound faith. Maybe it is! But from the outside it looks identical to someone who is trying to convince themselves, who is throwing themself in to a new identity in an attempt to banish the old: one who "doth protest too much" as the Bard put it. I am not saying this is the case; all I am saying is that, from an external perspective, what we would see in the two cases are indistinguishable.
My advice—for what little it's worth, as a Jewish atheist who doesn't believe in your current faith—is simply this: go in if it is eudaimonic for you. But don't write and think in a way that will leave you too ashamed to exit if you need to. Now, this is advice that no one wants to hear! It's like telling a person about to be married that they should sign a prenup. Almost no one who gets married thinks they'll divorce! So no one wants to prepare for the possibility. But then, a lot of marriages DO end that way, and so people can sometimes be brought to see that it's prudent, even if they think it will never happen. You, too, have been "married" to worldviews twice before—at least that is how it appears from the outside. I'm not saying you shouldn't move in with your new bride, join your finances, and merge your record & book collections. Of course you should; you're committed. But remember the earlier divorces, and maybe write yourself a prenup: decide not to speak and act in such a way that, *if* you were to change your mind, you would feel compelled to pretend you hadn't just because you had acted so there was no shameful way to go back.
Ray, I am so glad to see you “all in”. It fits with 2 Timothy 1 7 - God did not give us a Spirit of timidity, but of love and power and self discipline. The speaking out means taking the risk of being seen with egg on your face - in faith that God can see you through. Those of us who believe know that it’s not just an intellectual understanding but a transformative power that the Holy Spirit brings.
At the same time, there are plenty of cautions in scripture that temptations will come again. 1 Corinthians 10 12 -
So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don’t fall! - is just one that comes to mind. We stand in need of continuing repentance and grace.
It’s interesting to see Yorick’s comparison with a marriage. It made me think that any marriage may have a honeymoon period and then a period where novelty wears off and reality pinches - and the Christian life does call us to sacrifice in a humble way without attention or glamour. But anything that is worthwhile needs persistence through temptation and difficulty. Have you read any C S Lewis? The Screwtape Letters is very good on what to do when fervour undulates!
Just to add - I heard Njada talking on the Theology in the Raw podcast - I think he has become Catholic too.
Thank you for sharing your story. I understand people's comments against you. It so happens that today, I was just on Reddit getting criticized (and misunderstood and misrepresented). Someone said at least I'm not alone anymore, now Ray has joined me as a Jesus person. Happy to have you brother.
I have known of you before and watched some of your videos, but was a bit turned off by some of the crossdressing integration (some of the old photos can be triggering to guys too). Still that would not have stopped me from exploring further. Just am very limited in time! Glad to get time now to catch up with some of your content.
As I explained to the guy on Reddit, I can very much understand why some people would have a hard time believing there is actually any way out of AGP. It's easier for them to assume that no one can quit crossdressing and be happy. They have been telling me that since I started my website in 2011. It's scary I think for them to consider other possibilities, that it might actually be true that some people are happier without crossdressing. That makes them more comfortable in continuing the path they are on and making excuses for themselves. I've now been joined by hundreds of other guys, Christians and non-Christians, in our recovery groups. While some guys truly struggle almost daily, lots of other guys are living free and are very happy for it, and are NOT feeling like they are missing out on anything, and their lives are full and joyful and satisfying. They don't feel like they are missing out on anything, and their lives, and my life, are not boring.
What you said about relapses is true. But I try to teach guys that a relapse doesn't mean a failure in quitting. Relapses can come. They have for me too, I've written about them at times. But each relapse should remind the person how free they felt not giving in, and how wonderful life was when not giving in, and let the relapse encourage them to get back up and get back to living in freedom again. A relapse is not a sign that the decision to quit was a bad one. It was simply a lapse in judgment, and a giving in to the flesh, temporarily.
As people judge us and criticize us for our choice to reject indulging of AGP, it's easy to become harsh against them. I was quite harsh when I started my website. I am now much more compassionate, and trying to soften my tone. These guys are lost in their bondage. They need help. Let's keep pointing them to Christ and to freedom.
Good luck to you. Your forty days in the desert begins now.
I think that it's reasonable for people, especially those who have been reading you for a while now, to be skeptical. You were all-in on being a trans-woman; you were then all-in on being a self-conscious AGP who kept it in the bedroom; now you're all-in on being a Catholic. (There may have been earlier worldviews you committed to, but those are the three I've read you writing from within.) One interpretation of this is that you were searching for something and found it; but another interpretation is that you tend to really commit to worldviews, and that this is the latest, but perhaps not the last. No one can know—even you, as you to your credit acknowledge ("Humanity inherits a corrupted nature… I could relapse"). You frame the possibility, naturally, in the context of your current beliefs, but if you were to adopt yet a different set of beliefs, you would presumably reframe it to think of it in terms of the *new* view. I'm not saying it will happen; I am saying people are reasonable to se the possibility. *Will* it happen? Only time will tell.
Think of it like marriage. The first time a person gets up and says "from this day forward, until death do us part" (or the equivalent), then most people will take it at face value. But if they've divorced twice already, then on the third go-around a bit of skepticism is to be expected, and while it may be unkind, it's hard to say it's unwarranted. This doesn't mean that the person doesn't *mean* it each time; in most cases I bet they do. But it's hard to say it's unlikely when it's already happened more than once.
I suspect the other factor here is *precisely* how hard you're leaning into it—the amount of posting (all while never posting on any other topic), the overwhelming fervor. Presumably you experience that as simply the power of your newfound faith. Maybe it is! But from the outside it looks identical to someone who is trying to convince themselves, who is throwing themself in to a new identity in an attempt to banish the old: one who "doth protest too much" as the Bard put it. I am not saying this is the case; all I am saying is that, from an external perspective, what we would see in the two cases are indistinguishable.
My advice—for what little it's worth, as a Jewish atheist who doesn't believe in your current faith—is simply this: go in if it is eudaimonic for you. But don't write and think in a way that will leave you too ashamed to exit if you need to. Now, this is advice that no one wants to hear! It's like telling a person about to be married that they should sign a prenup. Almost no one who gets married thinks they'll divorce! So no one wants to prepare for the possibility. But then, a lot of marriages DO end that way, and so people can sometimes be brought to see that it's prudent, even if they think it will never happen. You, too, have been "married" to worldviews twice before—at least that is how it appears from the outside. I'm not saying you shouldn't move in with your new bride, join your finances, and merge your record & book collections. Of course you should; you're committed. But remember the earlier divorces, and maybe write yourself a prenup: decide not to speak and act in such a way that, *if* you were to change your mind, you would feel compelled to pretend you hadn't just because you had acted so there was no shameful way to go back.
Powerful story brother. You can truthfully overcome anything through Christ.