I Quit Crossdressing for Good

And Why Skeptics Doubt It'll Last

Introduction and My Backstory

If you are unfamiliar with my history, permit me to elucidate. For eight years, I pursued the path of transition—medically altering my body with hormones—driven by a condition I have grappled with throughout my life: autogynephilia. This term denotes a male’s propensity to experience sexual arousal at the thought of himself as a woman. It is a paraphilia, a fetish, a disordered form of sexuality. It emerges when normative male heterosexuality becomes distorted, twisted inward, such that one is attracted not only to femininity in women but also to the notion of embodying femininity oneself. This manifests in varying degrees: idealizing oneself as the opposite sex, envying women, desiring to dress as they do, despising the masculinity bestowed upon me by God, and engaging in masturbation to fuel these thoughts.

This condition propelled me down the transition pathway. According to the research of Dr. Ray Blanchard, it is the primary motivator for the majority of trans-identified males who embark on this journey. Even after I detransitioned, however, the paraphilia persisted. Indeed, it intensified. With my body once again governed by testosterone, my libido surged to heights unseen during the eight years I spent on hormones. This heightened sex drive, coupled with a worldview rooted in permissive liberal sexual ethics, escalated my fetishistic behavior. I indulged in crossdressing more frequently, though I confined it to the privacy of my bedroom, following the counsel of those who acknowledge autogynephilia: “As long as you accept it as your sexuality, indulge it privately, and refrain from harming others, there is no issue.” This escalation was further fueled by my consumption of transgender pornography and sissy kink pornography, deepening the grip of the paraphilia.

The Push to Normalize Autogynephilia

A broader movement exists to normalize autogynephilia, to render it unremarkable. Advocates assert that the problem arises only when one invades female spaces, identifies as a woman, appropriates womanhood, or exposes the public to the fetish in inappropriate ways. “Keep it in the bedroom,” they argue, “and it is merely a fetish—there is nothing wrong with having a fetish. It is your private sexuality.” Even crossdressing, they contend, is acceptable, even if driven by this paraphilia, because it is not pathological but simply atypical. They draw parallels with homosexuality: “There is nothing wrong with homosexuality; likewise, there is nothing wrong with autogynephilia. It is a form of sexuality as normal and healthy as heterosexuality, merely directed inward.” This reasoning justifies the crossdressing, the pornography, the paraphilia itself—all the depravity that ensues.

For a time, I subscribed to this perspective. It appeared reasonable, a live-and-let-live ethos. Yet, it failed to resonate with the deeper stirrings of my conscience.

My Spiritual Awakening

Approximately five weeks ago, I underwent a profound spiritual awakening—a crisis of conscience that altered the trajectory of my life. Through this experience, I perceived God’s voice urging me to abandon my crossdressing habit, revealing it as unhealthy and contrary to His will. The behavior had assumed addictive patterns, binding me in ways I could no longer ignore. Thus, I resolved to quit definitively. I discarded all my clothing associated with the fetish, all my sex toys, every item linked to my paraphilia. I eliminated every temptation, purging my life of these vestiges. Since that moment, I have abstained from pornography entirely.

This transformation coincided with my embrace of the Catholic faith, a process culminating in my confirmation this Easter. Within this framework, I encountered a radically new understanding of sexuality. According to Catholic teaching, masturbation is a grave sin, for it divorces sexuality from its God-given purpose: the unitive bonding of a man and woman in a committed, sacramental marriage, open to procreation. God designed sexual union for this end—to propagate the species within the confines of a rationally regulated, loving union. In His wisdom, He instituted marriage as a lifelong, fidelitous, sacramental bond between a man and a woman, wherein sex serves to unite them as one flesh, fostering love and openness to the natural, procreative ends of the act, serving as a stable foundation to raise children in the faith.

Any sexual act outside this context, in opposition to this purpose, is deemed intrinsically disordered. Masturbation falls squarely within this category, as does fetishistic crossdressing and pornography consumption, which distort the ideal of sexuality. Since my religious awakening and conversion, I have cast aside these practices. This shift has granted me an entirely new perspective on indulging autogynephilia and crossdressing, one grounded in faith rather than permissiveness.

Addressing the Skeptics

Not all are convinced of my transformation. I recently encountered a Reddit thread wherein skeptics predict my inevitable relapse. Here are excerpts:

“Ray, I don’t recommend. He…is now suddenly cured of his AGP and suddenly found hope in Catholicism. He’s not only detransitioned but now cured of his AGP. He also struggled with marijuana addiction, and so all this new material reflects his current status in AGP, which I’d bet changes once his honeymoon period and his new relationship wears off.”

“Why waste your time reading someone who is confused? He’ll flip later, and so will his content too. Enough drama in the world already than the soap opera of Ray. He’s self-righteous now about his purified AGP too.”

“He’s self-righteous AF now though, and it’s shameful. I could punish him thoroughly on his self-righteous attitude using the Bible too.”

“Ray frames AGP as a morally corrupt, selfish paraphilia that inevitably destroys families, leveraging religious and traditionalist rhetoric to cast it as societal evil needing oppression. It’s disgusting moral self-righteousness.”

Let us first address the accusation of self-righteousness. Presumably, these critics allude to Jesus’s admonition, “Take the log out of your own eye before you judge others,” suggesting that judgment is inherently forbidden. Yet, this misinterprets the text. Jesus condemns hypocritical judgment, not judgment itself. Elsewhere, He commands, “Stop judging by appearances, but judge justly” (John 7:24). He does not prohibit all forms of judgment; rather, He calls for righteous discernment. The New Testament reinforces this: St. Paul instructs, “Brothers, even if a person is caught in some transgression, you who are spiritual should correct that one in a gentle spirit” (Galatians 6:1). Christians are tasked with admonishing sin, provided it is done with humility and care.

In my view, informed by Scripture and conscience, indulging in autogynephilia constitutes disordered lust and sexual activity warranting gentle correction. I do not deem it self-righteous to declare, “I am striving to live virtuously by abstaining from what I now recognize as wrong.” I openly acknowledge my ongoing disposition toward sin. I remain a sinner, burdened by a disordered sexuality whose origins—innate or environmental—elude me. My hope lies not in my own merit but in the grace of God, mediated through Christ, the Holy Spirit, and the sacraments. I am not superior to others; I am broken, reliant on divine mercy to amend my ways. I may yet falter, but the Church offers reconciliation through confession, a means to renew my pursuit of holiness.

Will I Flip Back?

The skeptics further contend that my current stance is transient, a honeymoon phase destined to fade. “He’ll flip later,” they assert, “once this wears off.” I concede the possibility. Humanity inherits a corrupted nature—concupiscence, a propensity toward sin stemming from original sin. Even with the graces of baptism, confirmation, and the Eucharist, we remain imperfect, susceptible to temptation. I could relapse into fetishistic self-abuse and degeneracy.

Yet, this admission is not capitulation. I now comprehend that God has established an objective standard for sexuality: a unitive, procreative act within the loving, committed bond of marriage between a man and woman. Any deviation—masturbation, pornography, or fetishistic crossdressing—contravenes this divine purpose. This is not mere opinion but a rational telos, a design rooted in God’s intent to multiply the species within stable families. Sexual acts thwarting this end are disordered, a deviation from the eternal law written on our hearts and revealed through Scripture and tradition.

Should I frame my struggle within secular or liberal sexual ethics, I would indeed falter, for such paradigms lack the foundation to resist temptation. But anchored in faith, I possess a higher calling and the means—prayer, grace, confession—to persevere.

My Faith as a Foundation

Could I renounce my faith entirely? Theoretically, yes. At 38, I have spent a decade and a half wrestling with atheism, agnosticism, and the claims of Christianity. I have scrutinized every argument—philosophical, historical, theological—exploring atheism’s strongest cases and Christianity’s defenses: the cosmological and fine-tuning arguments, the historicity of the Resurrection, modern-day miracles, near-death experiences, the immateriality of consciousness, the reliability of the Gospels, the Shroud of Turin’s enigmatic authenticity. The cumulative evidence persuades me: Christianity is true. The explosive growth of a crucified Messiah’s movement in a first-century Jewish context, where such a figure signified failure, defies explanation absent a genuine encounter with the risen Christ.

My conscience aligns with this conviction. When I engaged in fetishistic crossdressing, guilt and shame overwhelmed me—common among those with autogynephilia—signaling a transgression against God’s law. To abandon this belief would require dismantling a worldview forged through years of study, prayer, and experience. While possible, I deem it improbable.

Conclusion: My Commitment to This Path

Critics note that autogynephiles often cycle through binging and purging, suggesting my resolve will wane. Yet how many cast aside every trace of their paraphilia—clothing, accessories, habits—impelled by a sincere encounter with God? This is no fleeting impulse but a conviction rooted in eternal truth. Temptations persist, yet through Christ’s power, the Holy Spirit, and the Church’s sacraments, I am equipped to resist. Jesus calls us to holiness—“Be perfect, as my Father is perfect”—a lofty standard I pursue imperfectly. I may stumble, but my commitment endures, not from self-righteousness, but from a faith I hold as true.