The One Teaching Threatening My Path to Catholicism

Why the Church's teaching on remarriage is my biggest obstacle to confirmation

As many know, I am in OCIA preparing to be confirmed Catholic this upcoming Easter Vigil. Several people told me that in the weeks leading up to Confirmation, I would be under spiritual attack, as the Evil One does not like it when people join the True Church. After today’s OCIA class on the Sacrament of Matrimony, I feel my resolve to join the Church undermined like never before because of a single hard teaching of the Church: the indissolubility of marriage.

I am currently in the process of getting my second divorce. And it is not my second marriage that concerns me in terms of getting an annulment, as we were explicitly polyamorous on our wedding day, and so did not freely intend for exclusivity, making it invalid in the eyes of God.

It is my first marriage that concerns me. Today, I asked my OCIA teacher, a renowned seminarian and expert on dogmatic theology and the catechism, a bunch of questions about various potential loopholes in my first marriage, and after pressing every angle, I cannot think of a reason why it would not be considered valid in the eyes of the Church.

To my knowledge, we both freely intended to enter into an exclusive lifelong union as man and woman. To the best of my knowledge, consent was freely given and fully informed, and our vows were expressed in terms of lifelong fidelity and exclusivity.

Later on, I learned that she was having affairs both before and after our wedding day, but from what I understand, what matters is the intent given on the altar, not the circumstances surrounding the wedding. And so unless I could somehow gather evidence that she didn’t actually mean her vows when she said them, which I don’t see how I could get evidence of, then it seems like it would be a valid marriage because of our fully informed, free consent.

The implications of this for my potential romantic life and vocation are profound. There is a woman at my local parish I have a crush on, and I was thinking of asking her out, but then I learned that dating before an annulment is granted is highly discouraged. And now, I am questioning whether it’s even going to be possible for me to get an annulment for my first marriage at all.

I don’t know what possible tribunal evidence I could gather from over a decade ago to show that we did not satisfy the criteria of fully informed, freely given consent to an exclusive lifelong union, especially when she lives halfway across the country. The prospect of going through some formal inquiry to find some arcane loophole based on flimsy evidence that’d be next to impossible to obtain is depressing.

I am, therefore, reconciling myself to the possibility of having to be celibate for the rest of my life if I ever want to become Catholic and, in good conscience, partake in the Eucharist and remain in a state of grace. It seems an almost impossible burden. I know some men voluntarily choose such a celibate life, but in my case, I would not be voluntarily choosing it as much as forced into it.

And honestly, this is a thought that saddens me. Sitting there in class, listening to the professor explain why none of the loopholes I brought up would be considered loopholes, made me genuinely question joining the Catholic Church. It made me question why I am potentially signing myself up to literally never have an orgasm for the rest of my life, to never love a woman again for the rest of my life. It is a sad, depressing thought that shook me and made me question why I am doing this.

And I know the answer: I see truth in the Catholic Faith. And I want to follow the truth wherever it leads. And truth implies moral truth and truth regarding the right and wrong way to live our lives in the realm of sex and marriage. And I find the intellectual arguments for why I should trust the Magisterium convincing. And this is the teaching of the Magisterium. There is no grey area here. It seems very much black and white. In a sense, that absolute black-and-white certainty of the Magisterium attracts me to Catholicism in the first place.

In other ways, I know I am still on the right track because my conversion experience has truly transformed me, healed me from self-destructive addictions and pathologies, and brought me peace and joy in so many respects. I am ecstatic about becoming confirmed and being able to fully partake in the sacramental life of the Church and receive the graces of the Eucharist. I truly want to live a holy life dedicated to Christ, for I truly believe He is who He said He was and that the Catholic Church is the One True Church.

Indeed, the fact that the Church takes a firm stance on ethical issues even when they are hard teachings and contradict the assumed wisdom of the culture is why I am attracted to the Catholic Church in the first place. Most secular folks would probably find it morally insane to see any ethical problem with remarriage after divorce, which I get. It’s tempting to say, “This teaching is too hard. I am just going to disagree with the Church on this.” But the type of woman I’d want to marry now is a woman who takes her Catholicism very seriously, in which case she’d also take the teaching on remarriage seriously as well. And the idea of intellectual and theological inconsistency or hypocrisy is anathema to me and why I wanted to become Catholic.

So, although I am still committed to becoming Catholic and still assent to the Truth of the Church's teaching, today was hard. Really hard.

But maybe after two failed marriages and a history of autogynephilia, maybe God is not calling me to be a husband and father after all. Maybe God wants me to serve Him in another way I do not yet understand. All I know is I need to put my trust in Him and continue praying that “Thy Kingdom come, Thy Will Be Done,” a refrain that has been constantly in my head since I started struggling with this issue.