Newly Confirmed Catholic: Still an Addict, Still Struggling

A new Catholic convert confronts relapse and scrupulosity

I’ve been reluctant to make this post because a lot of my previous writing since converting to Catholicism has been about how the Catholic faith “solved” my autogynephilia problem, utterly transformed me, and set me on a radical new pathway of virtue. I didn’t want to make this post because I didn’t want people to think Catholicism somehow “failed” or that Jesus does not actually have the power to radically transform the life of someone with such deeply embedded addictive patterns.

People familiar with my recent writing know that a big part of my recent faith journey was a crisis of conscience regarding my cannabis addiction and my various sexual kinks based on the paraphilia called autogynephilia, which is a deep disposition to be aroused at the thought of image of oneself as a woman, which caused me to become interested in crossdressing fetishism as a young boy and eventually go down the full-blown transition pathway in my twenties until I eventually detransitioned. But even after detransition, I have struggled with how to deal with the powerful paraphilic desires underlying my lifelong gender issues.

When I first felt the call of God to the Catholic Church, I gave up cannabis, pornography, crossdressing, kink, masturbation, and strived to live a life of virtue according to Catholic ethics. The Catholic Church taught me that participating in the sacramental life of confession and communion would give me the graces necessary to continue improving in virtue, transform me into a saint, or at least make it easier to stop sinning. I thought that after my first confession, I would be infused with Grace to make it easy to stop sinning and become this super-Catholic man of Virtue.

As I got closer to confirmation on Easter Vigil, however, I came under tremendous spiritual attack and struggled immensely with the temptation to relapse on all my vices. I eventually relapsed a couple of weeks before my confirmation. And because acting on my vices constitutes a moral sin, I became cognizant that I would have to confess properly and remain in a state of Grace before partaking in the rite of Confirmation and taking first Communion.

And therein began the struggle. For if I am struggling with a lifelong addiction to masturbation, pornography, and cannabis, and in virtue of it being an addiction, my free will is therefore reduced. The Catechism states,

Imputability and responsibility for an action can be diminished or even nullified by ignorance, inadvertence, duress, fear, habit, inordinate attachments, and other psychological or social factors.

Well, I have a whole host of habitual and psychological factors that reduce my free will consent to these behaviors.

What confused me was that a lot of the advice I saw, including my pastor, suggested that a good target for confession was once a month; otherwise, you risk becoming too scrupulous.

But I also read that if you commit a mortal sin, you ought to go to confession right away to restore your state of Grace, particularly if you want to partake in communion during the weekly obligatory mass, or in my case, because I often go to Daily Mass.

But that left me with a question: if masturbation is a mortal sin, and you’re supposed to confess immediately after mortal sins, and yet the recommendation for confession is to go once a month, is it therefore the expectation that regular people can go a whole month without committing a mortal sin?

I find that hard to believe. I find it hard to believe the average Catholic man attending mass weekly is not masturbating at all or committing any regular mortal sins. Or is it just that I am so much more broken? Possibly. Who knows.

But then I started to think more about how habit and addiction take some behavior out of the realm of mortal sin and into the realm of venial sin. And I thought that if I am struggling with a regular, daily vice, then surely going to confession every day is not a good use of confession. Because it seems like you should only confess your sins if you are firmly committed to not committing them again. But if you’re struggling with daily addiction, then in the back of your head, you know there’s a good chance you’re just going to relapse again.

So it seems like it’d be a bad thing to get into some scrupulous relationship with confession where I am constantly worried that I need to go multiple times a week to ensure that I am in a state of grace so I can go to Mass, because I do often go to Daily Mass.

I realized that it’s probably spiritually healthier to trust in God's mercy than to become overly scrupulous about whether I am in a state of Grace.

Furthermore, in the CCC, it says that perfect contrition can wipe away mortal sin so long as you have a “firm resolution to have recourse to sacramental confession as soon as possible.”

According to Jimmy Akin, we can also clarify that “soon as possible” also means “as soon as reasonably possible.” And it’s not necessarily reasonable to go to confession every single day to confess a sin that lifelong addiction has reduced your culpability for.

So if I am struggling with addiction and vice, it does not seem like the best path is to cut myself off from the sacramental life because I am overly scrupulous about being in a state of Grace or not.

Long story short, I am now a confirmed Catholic as of Easter Vigil. And still struggling with my vices. But now I am trying to figure out what it looks like to be a practicing Catholic who is a sinner but who doesn’t want to overly abuse the confession, who doesn’t want to be excessively scrupulous, who wants to rely on the Mercy of Jesus, to trust in Jesus, but who also wants to take seriously the sacraments and only receive in a state of Grace.

A big part of my journey towards peace is understanding Divine Mercy. I was able to confess before Divine Mercy Sunday. And that was a great feeling. Knowing that the more I sin, the more Mercy Jesus has for me is tremendously spiritually helpful. Because Jesus doesn’t want me to suffer from scrupulosity. Jesus wants me to partake in the sacramental life. Jesus wants me to know that I am forgiven, no matter if I relapse into my vices. He wants me to know that I am loved no matter what. He understands that my addiction and habits lessen my culpability.

At the same time, I understand it’s important not to let this idea of “lessened culpability” become a ticket to freely sin and not strive to improve in virtue. It is not a “get out of jail free card.” It is not a license to sin. It is still good to try to fight addiction, but we should trust in Jesus to have Mercy on us as addicts.

A big struggle for me is that I know that conquering my vices is going to be critical to whether I will ever be a suitable husband for a good Catholic wife. Until I entirely vanquish these vices, it seems I am probably not good husband material. And maybe that is part of the path God has set out for me. I want to get my spiritual priorities straight, focus on a life of virtue, and be the man God wants me to be. And if I can prove myself to be a man of virtue, then maybe God will give me the great privilege to be a husband and father. Until then, I know what I must work on.