Embracing Catholic Chastity

How My Newfound Faith Freed Me from Autogynephilia and Addiction

In this essay, I want to talk about why chastity and virtue are infinitely better and healthier for men than indulging in autogynephilia, crossdressing, masturbating, watching pornography, and going down the transgender transition pathway. It’s so much better to avoid all that and live a life of virtue, sexual chastity, and sobriety. For me, total sobriety from both weed and alcohol, but especially weed, as been critical. If you read my recent essay, I talked about how I had relapsed on both my cannabis addiction and my crossdressing as part of my autogynephilia (AGP).

My Spiritual Awakening

Back in February, I decided to convert to Catholicism. I had a profound religious awakening/conversion experience and joined the OCIA program in the Catholic Church, and was confirmed into the Catholic faith this past Easter Vigil. By the Grace of God, I am now a full member of the body of Christ in the Catholic Church. When I had that crisis of conscience back in February, God convicted my heart and told me to give up smoking cannabis, engaging in all my kinks related to autogynephilia, and all the masturbatory sessions tied to autogynephilia. I was called to abandon all these degenerate things associated with the gender issues I’ve struggled with my entire life. These same issues drove me down the false and dangerous pathway of transgenderism, where I identified and lived as a trans woman for eight years until I detransitioned in 2023.

The Challenges of Detransition

When I detransitioned, I didn’t know how to manage my autogynephilia. When my testosterone came roaring back, my libido shot up. Because I was living as a man socially, I still had this desire, this autogynephilic urge to crossdress, and I didn’t know how to manage that. In the online community of self-aware AGPs—men who acknowledge their autogynephilia and aren’t in denial—the common consensus is that repressing these feelings and desires, never acting on them, never crossdressing, never indulging in autogynephilia, never trying to feminize yourself, and never watching transgender-related pornography is unhealthy. They claim it’s healthier to indulge in a paraphilia, to indulge in a kink, or even transition, than it is to attempt to give it all up and live a life of chastity as a normal heterosexual man. That was the commonly received wisdom: it’s impossible to repress autogynephilia long-term. Somehow, you must deal with it, manage it, and integrate it into your life.

The Disorder of Autogynephilia

The problem with autogynephilia is that it’s disordered because it orients you toward yourself. You focus on how you can make yourself aroused rather than the proper object of our sexuality, which is the unitive, self-sacrificial love of the opposite sex in a sacramental heterosexual marriage for the purpose of bonding with an openness toward life to create children, be fruitful, multiply, and live up to how God designed sexuality. God designed our sexuality for bonding within a sacramental marriage between a man and a woman and for having children so that we may continue to populate the Earth and educate our children in the Catholic faith.

Each one of us does not have a complete reproductive system. I have a complete respiratory system, neurological system, autonomic nervous system, circulatory system, cardiovascular system, and digestive system, but I do not have a complete reproductive system. I only have half the equation—the male part—but I do not have female anatomy. Therefore, my sexual organs are incomplete. The only way to fulfill their purpose, their design, their telos, their formal cause, their final cause—the thing they’re designed for—is to engage in heterosexual sex within a sacramental monogamous union, which is the highest realization of the goodness of human sexuality.

We flourish when we do the things we are designed to do. A car flourishes when you follow the instruction manual. Human beings also flourish when we follow the instruction manual. But who wrote the instruction manual? Who is the creator of reality? Who is the creator of human beings? Who installed human beings with the image of God, who made us male and female? That is God.

Relapse and Redemption

In my previous essay, I talked about how, despite this crisis of conscience in February, where I felt a firm conviction from God to give up cannabis, become sober, become chaste, not crossdress, give up my kink, give up pornography, and give up masturbation to live a life of chastity, I relapsed. The Bible calls us to chastity, not to pleasure ourselves in narcissistic, self-satisfactory, hedonistic pursuits of pleasure for our masturbatory fantasies. The purpose of sex is not to gratify ourselves but to give ourselves in a self-sacrificial way for the good of our partner, our spouse, in a sacramental marriage. Yet, despite that spiritual awakening and learning about Catholicism, I relapsed before I was confirmed. I struggled, and it was really hard.

By the infinite Grace and Divine Mercy of Lord Jesus Christ, the Catholic Church offers the sacrament of confession. You confess your sins, and acting in persona Christi, the priest absolves your sins. Your sins are forgiven, washed away, including mortal sins. That washing away of sins instills in you sanctifying grace, making you that much more holy, Christ-like, and capable of developing virtue. Because you’re back in a state of grace, you’re a friend of God, in a relationship with God. According to Catholic teaching, you can’t be in a state of mortal sin and be in a relationship with God.

A Week of Sobriety

I confessed all these sins, and I’m happy to report that I’m now a little over a week wholly sober and chaste. I haven’t had any real temptations. I’m feeling like a million bucks. I feel like I have been walking around elevated an inch off the ground. Just really floating on cloud nine. During my binge cycle, my relapse, I bought all this crossdressing AGP stuff off Amazon and started building up my little collection of items for my AGP masturbatory sessions. But, having a crisis of conscience once again, feeling the guilt and shame written on my heart—because God has written the moral law on our hearts, and we know what’s right and wrong—I listened to that voice. I threw away all that stuff. I’ve been going to daily Mass, partaking in Holy Communion every day, receiving the Blessed Lord, His body, His flesh on my tongue, receiving those graces, being united with Christ, partaking in that representation of Calvary, communing with Him, having the literal body of Jesus come into my body. That is such an amazing thing, one of the most beautiful aspects of Catholic worship. Catholic worship is sacramental, partaking in sacraments given to us by the Lord Jesus Christ Himself. After I receive His Holy Body into my own body, I like to meditate on His Holiness literally digesting at a molecular level and infusing into every cell in my body. It’s a powerful, humbling thought.

The Power of Daily Mass

Going to daily Mass has been a huge motivator to not relapse and fight these temptations. If I were to relapse on cannabis, crossdressing, AGP, masturbation, or any of this stuff, I would fall into mortal sin. If you’re in mortal sin, you cannot partake in the Eucharist or go to Holy Communion. You can only partake in Holy Communion if you’re in a state of grace. I’d have to go to confession, and when you go to confession, you’re supposed to have true contrition for your sins, true repentance. True repentance means you feel bad, turn away from the sin, and vow never to commit it again. You can’t just sin, commit a mortal sin, ask for forgiveness, but in the back of your mind, think you’ll probably do it again.

With addictions, however, it’s difficult because there’s a loss of moral culpability. A mortal sin happens only when we freely choose that sin, but our freedom of choice is compromised by addiction, by habit. When we are enslaved to the body, enslaved to the flesh, the flesh is a habit machine. As the great American psychologist William James wrote in his Principles of Psychology, our bodies are habit machines, bundles of habits. Human psychology is fundamentally a bundle of habits. Sin enslaves us, locking us into this pathway, lessening our moral culpability. But by the grace of God, through the Holy Spirit working in us, we can conquer that.

The Joy of a Clean Conscience

I’m happy to report it’s been eight days since I committed a mortal sin related to my AGP and weed addiction, and I’m feeling so much better! It feels so much better to have a clean conscience and not worry that someone might go into my browser history or house when I’m not there. It feels much better to know I don’t have to hide or be ashamed of anything. That feeling of having a clean conscience, being in a state of grace with God, having that relationship with Him, knowing I’m in alignment with God’s will—that feeling is so much better than any possible hedonistic, carnal pleasure derived from indulging in autogynephilia and masturbating, which is always a temporary chasing of hedonic pleasure.

When you chase hedonic pleasure for pleasure’s sake, when you pursue these fleshly, carnal desires, it feels good for a little bit, but you’ll always want more. Desire only ever leads to more desire. Enslavement of the body, enslavement of the flesh, only leads to deeper enslavement. That sin corrupts our minds, literally making us stupider. I’m feeling so much better, and I want to tell any AGP out there: if you’re thinking it seems impossible to repress because of the doom and gloom and blackmailing on the internet from AGPs, trans women, crossdressers, sissies, kinksters, and others saying it’s impossible to repress, that repression is a lose-lose situation—it’s not true. By the grace of God, we do have the ability to fight this, and we ought to fight this. Trust in Jesus Christ, and all things are possible.

Temptation as a Path to Holiness

AGP is a result of our fallen nature, a result of original sin. God did not make us this way. He permitted it to happen for the sake of a greater good. That greater good only comes if you conquer the sin and avoid the temptation. God gives us temptations and trials so we can grow in sanctification, grow in virtue, and become holier people. The bigger the burden, the bigger the cross, the more temptations God throws at you—that means He wants you to be even holier, even more sanctified.

If you’re an AGP out there struggling, thinking you can’t beat this, that you keep binging, relapsing, going down this pathway, still addicted to pornography, still addicted to masturbatory degeneracy, self-abuse, and not using your sexuality for its God-given purpose—it’s not impossible. If you fall, if you relapse, that’s okay. That’s part of the story. Pick yourself back up, pray, partake in the sacraments, go to confession, ask for forgiveness, and start over. God has mercy on us. God loves us. God wants us to be in a relationship with Him, but we must choose to turn away from this sin.

A Culture of Confusion

Our culture is not serving young men well. They’re being confused, deluded by a secular culture that tells them all there is to life is satisfying their own desires, gratifying their sexual hedonism, pursuing their freedom to express their sexuality however they want, narcissistically abusing their body through masturbation, watching pornography, objectifying, giving into lust, degrading other people, and objectifying human beings made in the image of God for their own selfish sexual gratification. That is not the highest level of human flourishing. We can do better than that. God has designed a better pathway for us.

God has designed sexuality for a higher purpose. We are called to a higher purpose than the pursuit of hedonism for hedonism’s sake. Hedonism, sexual freedom, and liberalism are a lie. They will not make you happy in the deep, long-lasting mode of being we all secretly long for in our hearts. Chasing pleasure, chasing gender euphoria, will not make you happy. It will only lead to spiritual emptiness, spiritual death. It might feel good for a few years. You might go down this pathway and feel great, on cloud nine, because you’re chasing the pleasure. But that’s like a drug addict—it feels good until the consequences of the addiction become too great, and they become too enslaved. Then you start seeing the consequences of that sin in your life, and it can be hard to get out of the hole you’ve dug yourself into.

The Hope of Redemption

Jesus is the Great Shepherd. He’s going to look for the lost sheep. If He has a flock of a hundred sheep and ninety-nine are perfect saints, but one sheep wanders off in sin, He’s going to go looking for that sheep. He wants that sheep. When the prodigal son ran away into degeneracy and came back out of contrition and a desire for forgiveness, the father ran out to him, excited, happy, and gave him a great banquet. The Blessed Lord Jesus, the good father of the prodigal son, is so happy when the sinner returns to Him. So don’t lose hope. Repression is not impossible. It’s doable.

I don’t even like the whole framework of repression because it only emphasizes the negatives. The positives are what you need to focus on. Don’t focus on repression. Focus on the positives of being in alignment with God’s will and the grace that comes with that. When you are in that state of grace, the Holy Spirit will give you gifts and fruits: peace, love, contentedness, charity, faith, hope, and all this great stuff. But we’re not doing it for the stuff. We’re doing it because we love God. God is the infinite good, the perfect being, perfection itself, all good, all powerful, all knowing, beyond comprehension, infinite goodness, pure goodness, goodness itself, pure existence itself, the ground of being, the ultimate object of adoration, the ultimate source of everything.

The Highest Purpose

Our highest purpose as human beings is the contemplation of God and, ultimately, union with Him in the Beatific Vision. That is the greatest thing we can ever hope to achieve, the greatest ideal toward which our whole mind and soul should be oriented. God is the only proper object of true love. Yes, we can love our neighbor as ourselves, but we love our neighbor for the sake of loving God. Love God with all your mind, heart, and soul, and love your neighbor as yourself for the sake of loving God because God commands it. We are called to love others, to be charitable, to care for the poor, the marginalized, the sick, people in prison, the homeless, but we’re doing it for the sake of God because we love God first and foremost.

Focus on the positives. Don’t focus on the negatives or on being deprived because you have to repress these desires. You’re not repressing the desires. You’re positively orienting yourself toward the highest possible object of love that exists, which is God. That will bring you a deeper happiness, deeper contentment, and more profound satisfaction than the world of flesh, desire, and pleasure could ever possibly supply. Chasing pleasure will always leave you hungry.

A Message of Hope

I wanted to share this to give hope to all the AGPs who wonder, “Do I transition? Do I repress? How do I manage this?” There’s so much misinformation, and the blind are leading the blind. The degenerates are pulling these men into the path of degeneracy with them. But that’s not the only option, my friends. Fight that. Resist that. Ask God to lead us not into temptation but deliver us from evil. You will feel better. I promise you that you will feel better when you live in accordance with God’s Blueprint for sexuality and the eternal law written on our hearts. Having a clean conscience feels better than any pornographic drug high you could possibly imagine.

Thanks for reading. Take care and God bless.