Wow, Ray, thank you -- as always -- for your thoughtful and vulnerable narration of your thoughts and complex experiences around transition/detransition and the overall trans experience. I'm amazed at the fact that, although I'm in a lot of ways on the "other side of the hill," so to speak, I've come to many of the same broad conclusions. I guess it's my freethinking disposition -- having rebelled my way into "being trans," I then immediately rebelled against the way that basically every other trans person I met was investing meaning in their experience. (That, and I have a unique set of circumstances to navigate, and a unique toolkit with which to navigate them.)
I resonate with much of what you expressed, particularly the profound psychological and social burdens that can come from attempting to fully inhabit an identity running against the grain of the givennesses of one's sociophysical body. This contemplation led me to the pre-emptive decision not to identify as a "transwoman" or attempt to forge a fully fem presentation -- despite a strong identification with an interior feminine persona, and strong sense of disconnection from the exterior masculine persona. Trans, transfeminine, genderqueer, fine -- those are all accurate descriptors of my experience -- or (more often than not) I just don't talk about it at all.
I've been experimenting with heightened feminine expression through HRT, grooming, subtle fashion choices and fully inhabiting female personas online, and I'm open to where those things may lead -- generally positing that the goal is integration, not transition. But I do this for personal satisfaction, retaining my masculine presence and persona for the purpose of hospitality and serving others. Ironically, giving this explicit space to the feminine has actually improved my masculine presentation substantially, because it has helped me for the first time in my life stop running from being in my body. I've gone from looking like a monk who crawled out of a cave to ... idk, kinda artsy. Maybe I'll change my strategies here at some point. Right now, it's working for me.
Regardless, for me, the MOST important piece of the puzzle has been anchoring my core selfhood not in binary gender categories, but in the profound reality of being Beloved of God in Christ. From that sacred ground of radical acceptance -- of being not "affirmed" but "absolved" -- I've been able to approach my multifaceted experience of gender/embodiment with holy playfulness, compassion and curiosity. This has been the true and deepest liberation for me: not "being trans," but knowing that Belovedness to extend even to this deepest, darkest area of my heart that I always thought to be inexpressible, unlovable, unredeemable.
This is where I guess I would push back a little. As much as these experiences and identifications are subjective, they are still very real. I did very real damage to myself in compartmentalizing and repressing them. And I'm finding very real healing in finding safe and socially legible ways, within the context of prudent consideration of my other roles, goals, and commitments, to give them embodied expression.
I find myself interested in exploring and cultivating my trans narrative, experience, identity, not for the sake of wish (fantasy, tbh) fulfilment, but for the sake of this extraordinary depth of grace that I have been experiencing through it. Above all, I want to leverage every personal and social good at my disposal to deepen my experience of and bear witness to this Love that I find grasping and sustaining me in the midst of the strangeness and incoherencies of it all.
Yes! Any identity more firmly grounded in reality will be better, cleaner, less stressful than a reality based on fantasy. One should always strive for alignment to reality over swimming against the current of reality. Even if one is seemingly stuck with a trans identity,
“I don’t have a choice!”
One should try what one can first to dissolve such an identity in favor of a cis one because, as you said, life is easier and there are many perks to a cis life!
My “post trans” case may be slightly more complicated, but being open about my past and current state of affairs I have found freeing. I never needed to say anything, living stealth and all, but I had to avoid talking about various aspects of my childhood. I also would avoid discussing certain topics about myself with my female friends. I hated the thought of being dishonest with others. An old transman friend of mine from back in the day, Vern, who is no longer with us, once told me about the unavoidable fact of being trans, with regard to me and my passing status (which was unique in the community),
“You can’t run away from your shoes.”
We had known each other from high school when he was a foster child of the man I derived my pseudonym from. He had not transitioned yet, but if he did and if he passed (he eventually didn’t do too bad), he too would be in the same position. There would always be that past and some things about his present he could never talk about with other guys. We were both honest people and not being completely honest, even if we didn’t have to, still bothered us. Frankly, it DID bother me all those years until I finally came out to everyone.
My narrative identity is now based on the truth, the whole truth. You know, it is a more interesting story actually! I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe… Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion…
Wow, Ray, thank you -- as always -- for your thoughtful and vulnerable narration of your thoughts and complex experiences around transition/detransition and the overall trans experience. I'm amazed at the fact that, although I'm in a lot of ways on the "other side of the hill," so to speak, I've come to many of the same broad conclusions. I guess it's my freethinking disposition -- having rebelled my way into "being trans," I then immediately rebelled against the way that basically every other trans person I met was investing meaning in their experience. (That, and I have a unique set of circumstances to navigate, and a unique toolkit with which to navigate them.)
I resonate with much of what you expressed, particularly the profound psychological and social burdens that can come from attempting to fully inhabit an identity running against the grain of the givennesses of one's sociophysical body. This contemplation led me to the pre-emptive decision not to identify as a "transwoman" or attempt to forge a fully fem presentation -- despite a strong identification with an interior feminine persona, and strong sense of disconnection from the exterior masculine persona. Trans, transfeminine, genderqueer, fine -- those are all accurate descriptors of my experience -- or (more often than not) I just don't talk about it at all.
I've been experimenting with heightened feminine expression through HRT, grooming, subtle fashion choices and fully inhabiting female personas online, and I'm open to where those things may lead -- generally positing that the goal is integration, not transition. But I do this for personal satisfaction, retaining my masculine presence and persona for the purpose of hospitality and serving others. Ironically, giving this explicit space to the feminine has actually improved my masculine presentation substantially, because it has helped me for the first time in my life stop running from being in my body. I've gone from looking like a monk who crawled out of a cave to ... idk, kinda artsy. Maybe I'll change my strategies here at some point. Right now, it's working for me.
Regardless, for me, the MOST important piece of the puzzle has been anchoring my core selfhood not in binary gender categories, but in the profound reality of being Beloved of God in Christ. From that sacred ground of radical acceptance -- of being not "affirmed" but "absolved" -- I've been able to approach my multifaceted experience of gender/embodiment with holy playfulness, compassion and curiosity. This has been the true and deepest liberation for me: not "being trans," but knowing that Belovedness to extend even to this deepest, darkest area of my heart that I always thought to be inexpressible, unlovable, unredeemable.
This is where I guess I would push back a little. As much as these experiences and identifications are subjective, they are still very real. I did very real damage to myself in compartmentalizing and repressing them. And I'm finding very real healing in finding safe and socially legible ways, within the context of prudent consideration of my other roles, goals, and commitments, to give them embodied expression.
I find myself interested in exploring and cultivating my trans narrative, experience, identity, not for the sake of wish (fantasy, tbh) fulfilment, but for the sake of this extraordinary depth of grace that I have been experiencing through it. Above all, I want to leverage every personal and social good at my disposal to deepen my experience of and bear witness to this Love that I find grasping and sustaining me in the midst of the strangeness and incoherencies of it all.
Yes! Any identity more firmly grounded in reality will be better, cleaner, less stressful than a reality based on fantasy. One should always strive for alignment to reality over swimming against the current of reality. Even if one is seemingly stuck with a trans identity,
“I don’t have a choice!”
One should try what one can first to dissolve such an identity in favor of a cis one because, as you said, life is easier and there are many perks to a cis life!
My “post trans” case may be slightly more complicated, but being open about my past and current state of affairs I have found freeing. I never needed to say anything, living stealth and all, but I had to avoid talking about various aspects of my childhood. I also would avoid discussing certain topics about myself with my female friends. I hated the thought of being dishonest with others. An old transman friend of mine from back in the day, Vern, who is no longer with us, once told me about the unavoidable fact of being trans, with regard to me and my passing status (which was unique in the community),
“You can’t run away from your shoes.”
We had known each other from high school when he was a foster child of the man I derived my pseudonym from. He had not transitioned yet, but if he did and if he passed (he eventually didn’t do too bad), he too would be in the same position. There would always be that past and some things about his present he could never talk about with other guys. We were both honest people and not being completely honest, even if we didn’t have to, still bothered us. Frankly, it DID bother me all those years until I finally came out to everyone.
My narrative identity is now based on the truth, the whole truth. You know, it is a more interesting story actually! I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe… Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion…