Can Autogynephilia Be Managed by Repression?

Is repression always a bad thing?

Photo by Jr Korpa on Unsplash

Autoheterosexuality is the sexual attraction to being the other sex. Autogynephilia (AGP) is when a male is sexually attracted to being a woman, or embodying aspects of femininity stereotypically associated with being a woman. AGP is the etiological cause of gender dysphoria leading to the desire to transition in ~80% of trans women (males who identify as women.) AGP was the impetus behind my own decision to transition 9 years ago before ultimately detransitioning last summer.

But not all AGPs go on to transition. Some completely repress altogether and never tell a soul about their secret desires or act on the desires in any way. Some AGPs just occasionally crossdress in the comfort of their own home (call these the “weekend warriors.”) Some take their crossdressing a bit further and crossdress outside the home at social events but for work they still maintain a male identity. Some AGPs take hormone replacement therapy but “man-mode” and socially live as a man despite being estrogenized as a male. And, of course, some AGPs “fully transition,” take hormones, get surgeries, legally change their names, and attempt to “fully” live social lives as women as much as possible. In rare cases, some AGPs attempt to go “stealth” and live lives where nobody in their everyday life knows their trans status.

In the self-aware AGP community, it is often thought that repression is a terrible strategy for dealing with feelings of AGP because it leads to psychologically torturing yourself by living with secret longing that can be never satisfied. This is often coupled with a deep dislike of all things associated with maleness: being a man, all the physical traits associated with maleness, and expected by society to present in a masculine way, forever feeling jealous of women.

The idea is that AGP essentially needs some kind of “venting” mechanism in order for there to be psychological health. Self-aware AGPs often talk about the strategy of “integration” where some degree of femininity is integrated into your life as a man e.g. painting your nails, growing out your hair, and other gender nonconforming expressions of femininity for a man.

I have tried pretty much all these strategies for dealing with my AGP. Prior to transition I was a secretive weekend warrior. Then I attempted to deal with these feelings through social and medical transition. Eight years of that and I realized transition was not actually an ideal way of dealing with these feelings given the amount of mental effort required in attempting to “pass” as the opposite sex and the resulting neurotic anxiety that results from the inevitable failure to do so successfully.

But when discussing the strategy of repression we have to distinguish between two types of repression:

1. Repressing completely such that no one in your life knows about your AGP desires

2. Everyone important in your life knows about your AGP desires, and would have no problem with you acting on them, but you nevertheless choose to repress them and positively embrace being male and being a man.

I do think repression strategy (1) is unstainable over the long time and leads to things like the creation of “trans widows,” aka wives who are surprised by their masculine husband of 20 years coming out as trans and upending the entire marriage with the wife having zero clue her husband was AGP because he repressed it so thoroughly.

This is why I advocate total honesty prior to getting involved in a relationship with someone. The sooner you rip the band aid off and tell your potential partner your “secret” the better.

But the point I’m trying to make is just because your “secret” is out doesn’t necessarily mean the only possible psychological strategy for dealing with these desires is by going in the direction of increased feminization.

Indeed, I believe that a conscious embrace of masculinity coupled with a consciously developed positive conception of being a man makes it possible to have AGP and “repress” the desire for feminization in a way that is completely psychologically healthy and sustainable long term.

A common meme in the transfeminine world is “John 50," a case study from a paper by Anne Vitale (2001) called “Implications of being gender dysphoric: A developmental review,” published in Gender and Psychoanalysis.

John, a 50 year-old genetic male, medical research scientist, married (23 years), father of three children aged 20, 17 and 7, phoned me after experiencing a panic attack severe enough to require emergency attention from paramedics at the airport on his way to give a presentation at a conference. John gave me only his first name and informed me that I was the first to be told what he was about to tell me. He said he was "gender dysphoric" and that he was "desperate." Feelings that were once "controllable through sheer force of will," had increased to where he now was having protracted periods where he would close his office door, lie on the floor and weep quietly while curled up in the fetal position, holding his genitals in pain. Other than intrusive and repeated fantasies of being female, he had refused to allow himself any overt form of female gender expression. He reported feeling that if he was to cross-dress and be caught, he would dishonor his wife and family. Having attained international recognition for his work, he was also concerned about his professional reputation. The only other form of temporary relief came through masturbating, often up to five times a day.

Our work together over the last three years has been slow. However, with the help of extensive individual, group, and family psychotherapy, augmented by estrogen replacement therapy, with the full permission of his family, John has recently taken on a female name and is living full time in the female gender role. She is in the process of renewing and redefining her relationship with her family, and has successfully returned to work after an extended leave of absence.

Trans women and self-aware AGPs often use John 50 as a cautionary tale of what happens you try to suppress the desire for full blown transition, and that, ultimately, transition is the only possible psychologically healthy way of dealing with AGP feelings. I’ve had many trans women tell me that my detransition is just a phase and that I am liable to become John 50 and that my I am just a “repper” who is “in denial.”

However, notice how John 50 would be an example of repression strategy (1) and not repression strategy (2). In other words, there is a difference in being in total repression such that you have to hide the fact you have these desires from everyone around you vs being perfectly open about having these desires but nevertheless deciding to embrace a positive conception of masculinity and consciously choose to not feminize yourself.

My contention is that it’s the utter secrecy that is psychologically corrosive long term because bottling this up inside you and constantly being worried about your life falling apart if you get “caught” is incredibly damaging to mental health.

Thus, a healthier approach to repression is being out and open about the fact you have AGP but consciously choosing of your own volition to embrace masculinity because you have consciously developed a positive, healthy conception of being a man such that you consciously develop the belief that being a man is a good thing, being male is a good thing, etc.

I have discussed in the past my various oscillations in managing my AGP via attempts to suppress these feelings through conservative Christian sexual morality. That didn’t work because the problem is that I felt if I indulged in my AGP it would be a “sin” and that I have to fight “temptation” to be morally upright and a good person.

For repression to work properly, it has to be the case that you wouldn’t feel guilty or ashamed if you did decide to crossdress or do feminine things. That is, it has to feel like feminization is a valid moral option and that you have the utter social freedom to do that if you so choose and that your life wouldn’t necessarily fall apart if you did “give in” to these desires and “get caught.”

The sense of freedom without moral guilt is important to making repression a valid strategy.

But once you have this freedom, you now have a choice of what to do with it.

In my own case, after the failure of conservative Christianity to adequately deal with these desires after detransition, I began to integrate more and more femininity back into my life as a male, shaving my body and beard, crossdressing around the house, painting my nails, wearing makeup, etc.

However, the problem with this, for me at least, is that this femininity is to some degree or another going against the grain of what’s natural. And since my whole detransition process has been to embrace the philosophy that natural is better, which is why I decided to get off the hormones so my body is more natural and not dependent on drugs for normal function, it seems obvious to me that letting myself “be natural” is what leads to more authenticity.

Whenever I try to “integrate femininity” into my life it always leads to social anxiety, internal psychological incongruence, and inauthenticity. Why? Because I am not “naturally feminine” in the same way a flamboyant homosexual is naturally feminine. The very nature of AGP is such that my “femininity” is not natural but must be consciously constructed going against the grain of the masculinity that comes naturally.

In other words, the femininity that comes out of AGP is necessarily artificial and constructed to some degree or another, and only becomes “natural” through consciously manipulating one’s natural behavior until the new “unnatural” behavior becomes habitual.

But why force myself to go against the grain if it doesn’t come naturally? The only reason I am drawn to femininity at all in the first place is because of the sexual euphoria that comes from feminization or the thought of feminization. But I think too often AGPs confuse the deprivation or frustration of sexual euphoria with a feeling of “gender dysphoria” that necessitates full blown transition as treatment.

But once you recognize the nature of AGP as a misdirected heterosexual drive that has been inverted, you are now empowered to consciously choose to reorient your heterosexuality in a direction that comes naturally to you: masculinity.

In my own case, I have been newly inspired to positively embrace masculinity and a positive concept of being a male since I started on a fertility medication called clomid that naturally boosts your testosterone. Once I stopped the HRT my testicles did come back online, but I was technically “low T” and with no viable sperm. So, the idea is to boost your testosterone to kickstart sperm genesis. But even if I don’t become fertile again, the thought of boosting my T is, surprisingly, giving me a much more positive appreciation of being a man and for my male body.

This is surprising because I thought the possibility of increased masculinization from high T would lead to the gender incongruence that has plagued me all my life, exemplified by my struggle with this internal conflict of wanting to be masculine and also wanting to be feminize at the same time, leading to confusion in regards to, e.g., whether I wanted to lift weights and “bulk up” or to maintain a more waifish body type that is more amenable to my desires to be maximally feminine while crossdressing.

But now, weirdly, the prospect of boosting my T levels really high for this fertility treatment is causing me to develop a more positive conception of being a man and a desire to get my physical health in tip top shape, which necessarily involves lifting weights. And when you have more T in your body + lifting weights you can expect to masculinize and gain muscle, in addition to more body hair.

All this is exciting to me because it feels like I am developing an integrated personality as a man who isn’t conflicted by these contrasting desires for feminization. An integrated, cohesive personality is always better than a psyche that has been “split” into parts with competing, mutually exclusive desires.

But because I know that my wife would have no problem with me crossdressing or being feminine if I wanted to, because I am open and honest about having AGP, because I have already “tried” transition, because I have seen the psychological conflict and inauthenticity that feminization leads to, because I have developed a positive identity of being a man, because I think being a masculine, physically strong male is a good thing, I am positively excited about embracing masculinity and being a man.

I want to note, however, that I am not necessarily saying this repression strategy will work for everyone. I don’t think it will, especially for those with very intense anatomical AGP, but I do want to push back against the claim that repression is always unhealthy or that increasing feminization is the only “authentic” pathway to dealing with AGP, because I do think that too many AGPs are being pink-pilled by online trans communities into thinking full blown transition and feminization is the only possible psychological route of dealing with these feelings, which I think is dangerous.

My contention is basically that there are many AGPs out there struggling to decide on whether transition is a good idea or not who would be capable of learning to love being a man, but who are being misled by online trans communities into thinking these feelings are somehow “proof” that they are “really” women on the inside and that feminization and transition are the only possible psychological treatments. I am living proof that is not the case.