Recognizing misplaced motivations is a tough one. While I do not share your particular struggles, I had a rude awakening about relationship patterns in my life several years ago. My encouragement to you is to give all these things time, and be careful not to overly spiritualize sudden insights. (I think there is real spiritual merit to your insight, but hyperfocusing on spiritualizing our experiences can be a temptation unto itself.) The transformative work of healing and repentance usually happens quietly and slowly.
I appreciate you sharing your experiences here. Reading about your struggles has broadened my empathy for those who are trying to follow Christ while wrestling with subjects that are so hard to talk about. Much love from an Orthodox who wishes you peace, blessings, and communion with the Lord. ☦️
What you are seeking with a woman is very normal human connection and your own family which is a very normal expectation. I fail to see why AGP has to punish you for the rest of your life in order to manage that psycho pathology within the Catholic Church. I believe you need to look deeply into The Virgin Mary and try to find some balance in all this. I also think that you need some psycho therapy alongside Catholicism to help you manage the emotions associated with your past relationship with AGP rather than total avoidance of woman. I very much get the vibe that both AGP and Catholicism are currently overwhelming you. You need to calibrate this if you will and find some balance so you don't spend the rest of your life punishing yourself to adhere to Catholic doctrine, and missing out on the things that give life depth and meaning like a wife and children. I am Catholic and I don't feel myself confined within the walls of a concrete doctrine. It is a faith and support in life that should quietly but steadfastly guide and walk alongside your life choices. I don't believe it should punish, generate guilt and imprison your conscience like the thought police. I hope you can find balance in your quest for the Catholic way of living life.
Very much agree about the idolatry of women and femininity in general. This is something I have been repenting about more and more. I'm not crossdressing, but just more and more I realize the idolatries in my heart that used to lead me there.
“Seek ye first the kingdom of God, and His righteousness, and all these thing shall be added unto you.” I think you’ve got the right idea here. Welcome home, and know of our prayers for you in these last few weeks before the Vigil 🙏
Offering up your excessive love to women as a sacrifice is not necessary. Christ is the sacrifice not you. Although you are spot on about the idolotry and fetishization of women. If you keep your mind on God instead of making women a false god it will straighten you right out and as a pleasant side effect you will be able to be present for women which they will feel as a great relief as opposed to being put on a pedestal
Did they get to the Marian dogmas yet in your cathechesis? Because if you become a Catholic the Immaculate Mother of Our Lord is kind of a big deal. So much so that certain other Christians wrongly claim we worship her. We do not, but we do love and honor her as the greatest of all creatured, yet still only a mirror of God. Looking up the Litany of Loreto should give you some idea. For even more exaltation Eastern Catholics & Orthodox Christians have the Akathist Hymn.
But yeah, there's a common saying: "To Jesus Through Mary". Maybe just take what you have and redirect it towards her so she can help lead you to Her Son?
I’m happy to see you grappling with this very difficult cross. I find it so interesting you describing your view of women based on your challenge with autogynephilia. I have always been more comfortable around women than men but have never felt a desire to be one. It’s not that I’m I uncomfortable around men but I guess my perspective on what’s considered macho has not generally appealed to me. Perhaps that’s why I’ve always known from the time I fully understood what male and female was that I realized my physical desire for women was based on wanting to make them pregnant and not to just have a good time. I suppose that’s why I didn’t find it a tough struggle to remain a virgin until my wedding night because I couldn’t accept the chance of creating a child until I was prepared to support my wife and child for the rest of my life. As it turned out I was told by several doctors that I was sterile and would never father a child but by the grace of God were we given two. In fact the first doctor told me when he verified my wife was pregnant that he wasn’t going to ask who the father was but he knew it wasn’t me. Although I never had any mistrust in my wife it wasn’t until ancestry.com came along that I had proof that both children were mine so I can only praise God for his blessings. That being said my family has and still is a challenge from a faith standpoint. Many days are still difficult. My wife says you only go to mass because they make you feel guilty about not going. I’ve told her many times that the only thing that keeps me going is mass and the Eucharist. Without it I’d probably leave and they would never see me again.
I’m praying that you hang on and that you can accept the life the Lord wants for you knowing that the goal is life with Jesus where all things will made clear.
"As it turned out I was told by several doctors that I was sterile and would never father a child but by the grace of God were we given two. In fact the first doctor told me when he verified my wife was pregnant that he wasn’t going to ask who the father was but he knew it wasn’t me. Although I never had any mistrust in my wife it wasn’t until ancestry.com came along that I had proof that both children were mine so I can only praise God for his blessings."
That is the most hopeful thing I have heard all day. Thanks for that
What no one else seemed to point out is that there is something odd about a scenario in which marriage is both sacred and indissoluble, but the criteria for invalidity are so numerous that almost any marriage can be annulled.
I think when you have to bring in a lawyer to comb through your marriage in order to dissolve it, the letter of the law might be followed, but the spirit is missing.
Isn't it striking how excessive live--idolatry--looks a lot like hatred? Autogynaphilia--the sexual arousal of seeing oneself as the opposite sex and getting off on it--seeks to devour, conquer, consume, dominate. Just ask the women who face men in their locker rooms and sports. Humans are so complicated. Lord have mercy. Christ have mercy.
Recognizing misplaced motivations is a tough one. While I do not share your particular struggles, I had a rude awakening about relationship patterns in my life several years ago. My encouragement to you is to give all these things time, and be careful not to overly spiritualize sudden insights. (I think there is real spiritual merit to your insight, but hyperfocusing on spiritualizing our experiences can be a temptation unto itself.) The transformative work of healing and repentance usually happens quietly and slowly.
I appreciate you sharing your experiences here. Reading about your struggles has broadened my empathy for those who are trying to follow Christ while wrestling with subjects that are so hard to talk about. Much love from an Orthodox who wishes you peace, blessings, and communion with the Lord. ☦️
What you are seeking with a woman is very normal human connection and your own family which is a very normal expectation. I fail to see why AGP has to punish you for the rest of your life in order to manage that psycho pathology within the Catholic Church. I believe you need to look deeply into The Virgin Mary and try to find some balance in all this. I also think that you need some psycho therapy alongside Catholicism to help you manage the emotions associated with your past relationship with AGP rather than total avoidance of woman. I very much get the vibe that both AGP and Catholicism are currently overwhelming you. You need to calibrate this if you will and find some balance so you don't spend the rest of your life punishing yourself to adhere to Catholic doctrine, and missing out on the things that give life depth and meaning like a wife and children. I am Catholic and I don't feel myself confined within the walls of a concrete doctrine. It is a faith and support in life that should quietly but steadfastly guide and walk alongside your life choices. I don't believe it should punish, generate guilt and imprison your conscience like the thought police. I hope you can find balance in your quest for the Catholic way of living life.
Very much agree about the idolatry of women and femininity in general. This is something I have been repenting about more and more. I'm not crossdressing, but just more and more I realize the idolatries in my heart that used to lead me there.
I have written on this as well
https://healingfromcrossdressing.org/crossdressing-is-about-envy/
https://healingfromcrossdressing.org/crossdressing-can-become-idolatry/
“Seek ye first the kingdom of God, and His righteousness, and all these thing shall be added unto you.” I think you’ve got the right idea here. Welcome home, and know of our prayers for you in these last few weeks before the Vigil 🙏
Offering up your excessive love to women as a sacrifice is not necessary. Christ is the sacrifice not you. Although you are spot on about the idolotry and fetishization of women. If you keep your mind on God instead of making women a false god it will straighten you right out and as a pleasant side effect you will be able to be present for women which they will feel as a great relief as opposed to being put on a pedestal
Did they get to the Marian dogmas yet in your cathechesis? Because if you become a Catholic the Immaculate Mother of Our Lord is kind of a big deal. So much so that certain other Christians wrongly claim we worship her. We do not, but we do love and honor her as the greatest of all creatured, yet still only a mirror of God. Looking up the Litany of Loreto should give you some idea. For even more exaltation Eastern Catholics & Orthodox Christians have the Akathist Hymn.
But yeah, there's a common saying: "To Jesus Through Mary". Maybe just take what you have and redirect it towards her so she can help lead you to Her Son?
I’m happy to see you grappling with this very difficult cross. I find it so interesting you describing your view of women based on your challenge with autogynephilia. I have always been more comfortable around women than men but have never felt a desire to be one. It’s not that I’m I uncomfortable around men but I guess my perspective on what’s considered macho has not generally appealed to me. Perhaps that’s why I’ve always known from the time I fully understood what male and female was that I realized my physical desire for women was based on wanting to make them pregnant and not to just have a good time. I suppose that’s why I didn’t find it a tough struggle to remain a virgin until my wedding night because I couldn’t accept the chance of creating a child until I was prepared to support my wife and child for the rest of my life. As it turned out I was told by several doctors that I was sterile and would never father a child but by the grace of God were we given two. In fact the first doctor told me when he verified my wife was pregnant that he wasn’t going to ask who the father was but he knew it wasn’t me. Although I never had any mistrust in my wife it wasn’t until ancestry.com came along that I had proof that both children were mine so I can only praise God for his blessings. That being said my family has and still is a challenge from a faith standpoint. Many days are still difficult. My wife says you only go to mass because they make you feel guilty about not going. I’ve told her many times that the only thing that keeps me going is mass and the Eucharist. Without it I’d probably leave and they would never see me again.
I’m praying that you hang on and that you can accept the life the Lord wants for you knowing that the goal is life with Jesus where all things will made clear.
"As it turned out I was told by several doctors that I was sterile and would never father a child but by the grace of God were we given two. In fact the first doctor told me when he verified my wife was pregnant that he wasn’t going to ask who the father was but he knew it wasn’t me. Although I never had any mistrust in my wife it wasn’t until ancestry.com came along that I had proof that both children were mine so I can only praise God for his blessings."
That is the most hopeful thing I have heard all day. Thanks for that
What no one else seemed to point out is that there is something odd about a scenario in which marriage is both sacred and indissoluble, but the criteria for invalidity are so numerous that almost any marriage can be annulled.
I think when you have to bring in a lawyer to comb through your marriage in order to dissolve it, the letter of the law might be followed, but the spirit is missing.
Isn't it striking how excessive live--idolatry--looks a lot like hatred? Autogynaphilia--the sexual arousal of seeing oneself as the opposite sex and getting off on it--seeks to devour, conquer, consume, dominate. Just ask the women who face men in their locker rooms and sports. Humans are so complicated. Lord have mercy. Christ have mercy.
Love yourself first with the deep love of the Father who loves YOU for being THE YOU that He wills you to be.
What do you think caused this idolatry for you? Do you think that corn is causing this on others ?