Autogynephilia, Catholicism, and My Idolatry of Women

Exploring the Intersections of Desire, Faith, and Feminine Reverence

I am a new Catholic convert in OCIA preparing to get confirmed this Easter Vigil, and I recently wrote about how the Catholic teaching on remarriage gave me a lot of spiritual difficulties as I came to terms with the possibility I wouldn’t be able to get my first marriage annulled, possibly requiring me to become a lifelong celibate, a “hard teaching.”

It turns out I probably will be able to get that marriage annulled as I found out she was baptized Catholic, and it was a secular ceremony. Nevertheless, several wise commentators pointed out that the fact that this teaching caused so much consternation, doubt, and temptation to abandon what I know to be Truth reveals that perhaps sex and marriage are my biggest idols and that I should use this as an opportunity to come to terms with the self-sacrifice baked into becoming a faithful Catholic.

The more I thought about it, the more I realized that it is not necessarily sex itself that is my biggest idol, but women themselves. The idea of women. Their femininity and beauty. Everything about them. And then I realized this is likely stemming from my autogynephilia. This pathological sexuality caused me to idolize women so much I wanted to be one, causing me to identify as a trans woman and take cross-sex hormones for eight years of my life until eventually detransitioning a couple of years ago.

Indeed, I think autogynephilia could very well be defined as a pathological idolization of womanhood. It is often characterized in terms of envy/desire: you desire women and their femininity so much you become envious of them, and this creates sexualized gender dysphoria and a desire to become one yourself. And I’ve often heard from other self-identified autogynephiles that they seem to love women way more than regular men do, which explains why it’s common for AGPs to prefer the company of women and dislike the company of men.

In fact, one might say it’s definitive of AGP to put women on a pedestal and idolize everything about them. And in my own case, I believe this is true. I admire everything about women. I enjoy their softness, their beauty, the way they communicate, the way they look, their feminine mannerisms, their empathy, their attention to aesthetic details, how they keep house, and their “womanly ways.” It is absurdly easy for me to develop a crush on a beautiful woman, and I’ve always enjoyed women's company more than men's.

But more than just idolizing women, I believe my autogynephilia has driven me to idolize being in a relationship with a woman. Indeed, this was the whole crux of what drove me to my recent consternation about remarriage and to develop doubts about the “hard teaching” of Catholicism on this matter. It was because I developed a crush on a woman and couldn’t stop thinking about asking her on a date and fantasizing about a relationship with her and all that entails. This was very much distracting me from what I should focus on: my upcoming confirmation and deepening my newfound relationship with Christ and His Church, preparing myself for the sacrament of the Eucharist, and centering Christ in my life.

This is crazy because I am still finalizing my second divorce. In my sober moments, I realize that it’d probably be wise to focus on being single for a long time and getting my life in order before I even think about dating again. And from what I have read, the Church strongly advises against dating at all until annulments are finalized. And yet I kept thinking about the FOMO of what if I didn’t ask this woman out and she got away from me and what if she was “the one,” an irrational thought if there ever was one.

Right now, I know I should focus on getting prepared to be confirmed and deepening my faith in Christ. But the Evil One was definitely tempting me with idolatry, tempting me with the thought that getting into another relationship with a woman was more important than my relationship with Christ and His Mother Church.

This has been a pattern throughout my life. Whenever I get out of a relationship with a woman, I immediately jump into another one. I have never been single for very long. I get out of a relationship and immediately start pouring a lot of energy into dating apps and trying to meet women. And then I get involved with a woman who is not right for me, become unable to exit the relationship when I ought to because I want to be a “nice guy” who doesn’t hurt their feelings, and this is exactly how so many bad relationships have developed in my life.

It is definitely an anti-pattern. And I think I’ve now come to understand this as a form of idolatry: idolizing women and relationships with women, thinking that if only I were in the perfect relationship with the perfect woman, then how much better my life would be!

Oh, what a trap this is! As I am now deepening my relationship with Christ, I am trying my best to learn a new strategy: to put Christ first. To put Christ above all things.

Thomas à Kempis wrote in The Imitation of Christ, “‘Vanity of vanities, and all is vanity’ (Eccles. 1:2), besides loving God and serving Him alone. This is the highest wisdom, by despising the world to tend to heavenly kingdoms.”

Indeed, did not Christ Himself tell us the most important commandment is loving God with all my heart, mind, and soul? And next to that loving neighbor as self. I have barely begun to learn what this truly entails!

To that end, it seems my cross to bear right now is learning what it means to focus myself on Christ, to center Christ in my life, and to stop idolizing women and daydreaming about how much better my life would be if only I could find the perfect woman to marry. Perhaps there is a reason I have been divorced twice. Perhaps there is a reason God gave me this sexual pathology of autogynephilia as a cross to bear, so that I may offer up my excessive love of women as a sacrifice to God, to take my great love of women and turn it into self-sacrifice so that I may focus on building the Kingdom of God.

I don’t know what that entails yet. But I do know now that I need to get my spiritual priorities straight. All these little crushes I develop on women are a temptation from the Evil One to not put Christ first in my life, not to set my sights on heaven, and to focus on the vanities of this world. To invoke St. Benedict’s powerful prayer against the Devil, “May the Holy Cross be my light! May the dragon never be my guide! Never tempt me with your vanities!”

Oh, how much the Devil tempts me with the vanities of idolatry! And it’s tough because I also know that marriage itself is a good thing, a gift from God, and something He calls many to, which is beautiful! But the temptation is to think that I have a right to demand this from God.

St. Paul writes, "Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things." (Colossians 3:1-2)

This is perhaps my biggest cross to bear right now: to stop worrying excessively about my vocation, to stop worrying about whether God wants me to be a husband and father, and to set my heart on things above. To focus on deepening my relationship with Christ, on my prayer life, on helping others, on loving my neighbor as self, on Loving God, on serving the Kingdom.