The Humbling That Saved Me

How Humility Became My Escape from Addiction and Sin

The Conversion of St. Augustine by Fra Angelico

“Clothe yourselves, all of you, with humility toward one another, for ‘God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.’” (1 Peter 5:5)

“It was pride that changed angels into devils; it is humility that makes men as angels.” ~ St. Augustine of Hippo

“The devil fears humility more than all the other virtues.” ~ St. Teresa of Ávila

“Strive to humble yourself always, and in all things, and you will escape all the snares of the devil.” ~ St. Catherine of Siena

Anyone who has been following my spiritual journey since I converted to Catholicism earlier this year knows that a big part of my faith journey has been my spiritual battle with cannabis addiction and sexual addiction stemming from an underlying paraphilia called autogynephilia, fueled by a lifetime of pornography and crossdressing fetishism, which led me down the transgender pathway for many years until I detransitioned and eventually found Christ and the fullness of Truth in the Catholic Church.

My conversion and reception of the Sacraments of the Church has been instrumental to my recovery and healing process. And yet, even since receiving the graces of Confirmation, I have still battled relapse and temptation. Unfortunately, I have not yet become the saint I so wish to be. Holiness is easier said than done!

During a recent relapse, I wrestled with God in the depths of spiritual desolation: Why did You make me like this? Why do You permit these devils to torment me with such terrible temptation? Why is my flesh so weak? Why am I such a slave to sin? Why do I set a firm resolution to never sin again only to find myself relapsing mere hours later?

Every time I experienced temptation, it felt like this massive battle of will power. I felt like I was teetering on the precipice of a cliff with an angel and a devil on my shoulders whispering competing encouragements. And then, for reasons beyond my understanding, at some point I would “decide” to relapse and give in to mortal sin. And yet, did it really feel like a choice? It felt more like I was watching myself like a ghost in the machine, with the machine being programmed like an automaton. St. Paul describes this phenomenology perfectly:

“I don’t really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don’t do it. Instead, I do what I hate….I want to do what is right, but I can’t. I want to do what is good, but I don’t. I don’t want to do what is wrong, but I do it anyway.” (Romans 7: 15-18)

At the end of day, the phenomenology of sin is the same as the phenomenology of addiction. Spiritually speaking, addiction and sin are one and the same phenomenon, albeit with some addictions being more harmful or serious than others. But the inner struggle of wanting to do the good thing but finding yourself, mysteriously, doing precisely what you hate, is indeed the core psychological experience of addiction.

So what is the escape from this slavery? Is there anything our finite will power can accomplish? I had been trying to white knuckle it through sheer will power for so many years. I tried every secular psychological technique in the book. And still, when the temptations hit, I would be powerless. The inner voices of the Enemy would whisper some convincing rationalization or justification why it’s “no big deal” to give in just one more time, and how I could always quit for good in the future.

But recently, I came to realize an important truth, one that I think is grounded in the Augustinian tradition: without grace, conversion is impossible. Escape from the slavery of sin has nothing to do with my own will power, and is instead a pure grace from God.

Yes, we have free will, that most mysterious gift from God. But from original sin, our will is weakened and we suffer from concupiscence, the innate tendency to be inclined towards sin. So while, yes, salvation comes from cooperating with grace, there seems to be a terrible truth that even our human ability to cooperate with grace using our will power is also, to some extent, a grace in and of itself.

The line between this Augustinian emphasis on total dependence on grace and full-blown Calvinist predestination is indeed a fine line.

But I kept wondering: what about my addiction is under my control? Full blown Calvinist determinism is false, but what, if anything, can my own free will can accomplish to help cooperate with the graces of God to rescue me from my enslavement?

Then I realized: I had the free will to decide to humble myself and freely see myself as powerless and in need of grace.

It is within my own willpower to choose to recognize that, compared to the awesome glory of God, I am but a vile worm. A worthless addict. Enslaved to sin. Enslaved to the flesh. A wretch. A dirty rag. A disgusting perverted sinner.

I am nothing before God! I am but a mere creature. Totally dependent on the grace of God and the Divine Mercy of His Beloved Son, our Lord, Jesus Christ.

So I decided to pathetically throw myself into the arms of Jesus, and especially Our Lady, our Blessed Mother. I cried out to Jesus and to Mary: Help me! I am powerless! Save me! I am but a vile worm in need of salvation! O Mother Mary, shield me from these terrible devils! O Jesus, heal my soul of these wounds! Heal my imagination and get these terrible pornographic images out of my mind! O Eternal Father, have mercy on me! Guardian angel, protect me! St. Michael, be my protection! Blessed Mother, despise not my petitions in my necessity, but deliver me always from all danger!

I realized that if I was going to have any success in escaping from the enslavement of the flesh, as John the Baptist says, “He must increase, but I must decrease.” (John 3:30)

The Psalmists say, “He leads the humble in what is right, and teaches the humble his way.” (Psalm 25:9)

And St. Paul says,

God chose what is low and despised in the world, even things that are not, to bring to nothing things that are, so that no human being might boast in the presence of God (1 Corinthians 1:28-29)

And as St. James and St. Peter confirm,

“Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will exalt you.” (James 4:10)

“Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you.” (1 Peter 5:6)

This theme of humility is a golden thread running throughout all of Scripture. Yes, we are made in the Image of God. Yes, we are adopted children of the loving Father. Yes, Jesus has Infinite Divine Love for us. Yes, Blessed Mother loves us dearly. Yes, our ultimate destiny is union with God himself. Yes, “God so loved the world that He gave his one and only Son, so that everyone who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life.” (John 3:16)

But nevertheless, despite all this, we are but worms! As Job says,

“How can a mortal be innocent before God?
Can anyone born of a woman be pure?
God is more glorious than the moon;
he shines brighter than the stars.
In comparison, people are maggots;
we mortals are mere worms.” (Job 25:4–6)

As the Psalmist says,

“For he knows how weak we are;
he remembers we are only dust.” (Psalm 103:14)

Prior to my most recent relapse, I had been clean and in a state of grace for almost a month. I started to feel holier-than-thou. I started to feel a bit of spiritual pride. And then, bam! God removed those graces and I immediately gave in to temptation and fell into mortal sin, completely lost and at rock bottom, totally enslaved to sin. I think this was God giving me a spiritual lesson: dear son, do not puff yourself up. Do not get a full head!

I should have listened to St. Paul, who cautions against spiritual boasting:

“For if anyone thinks he is something, when he is nothing, he deceives himself.” (Galatians 6:3)

“What do you have that God hasn’t given you? And if everything you have is from God, why boast as though it were not a gift?” (1 Corinthians 4:7)

Well, I certainly learned my lesson! Thank you, Lord! And it was an especially salient spiritual lesson, as a new convert who has taken it upon himself to write publicly about spirituality and matters of faith, as well as occasionally preaching on virtue and vice. Oh, what a fool I was to think I was worthy of being a spiritual teacher! I am a terrible sinner. A worthless, pathetic addict. But by the Grace of God go I!

And luckily, God is infinitely good and pure love. The Sacred Heart of Jesus burns with such love for us sinners! He wants nothing more than to save us from the enslavement of sin by washing us with the redemptive and saving merits of His Precious Blood, which pours from his pierced side with infinite grace and infinite Divine Love!

And thank you Mother Mary for wrapping your arms around me and shielding me from the terrible powers of Satan. O how I love you, Blessed Mother! Mama Mary, how beautiful you are! Thank you, thank you, thank you! All I can do is say, “Thank you!” As the great mystic Meister Eckhart says, “If the only prayer you said was thank you, that would be enough.”